I do have a rather odd sense of humor and people don’t always get why I’m laughing. As a child, I would often be reprimanded in class because I would start giggling about something and would have difficulty stopping but could never explain to anyone’s satisfaction what was so funny.
I find that I am sometimes criticized for oversharing when I speak my truth and have been warned that I should keep it to myself or suffer being relegated to the fringes and be unable to earn a living if anyone discovers who I really am. I personally don’t feel that my viewpoint on any subject is all that radical, though my experience of life may be unique. In any case, I’m not going to deny or hide my own experience just because it is unfamiliar to others or because it may make someone uncomfortable. Obviously, there is a time and a place. My own personal blog is that time and place.
For the past couple years, insomnia has been the order of the day around here. I know that there are negative health effects caused by lack of sleep, however, I feel that I spent most of my life sleeping more than I needed, so it probably balances out. Even in high school, I would come home, to whichever home I was in at the time, and paint or draw for a bit and be in bed asleep by 8:30. In college, my schedule kept me busy from dawn until 9 or 10 pm, but I always managed at least 8 hours of sleep each night. In adulthood, I have managed to sleep an average of 10 – 12 hours per night across 15 or so years, with the only exceptions being the first couple of years here in Austin and the few weeks after my son was born. Even when I was in graduate school and working full time and taking care of Kiddo, I’m sure I still managed to get at least 8 hours of sleep every night. My understanding is that most people are not so fortunate, so I count my blessings.
While I am aware of some of the effects of my recent insomnia, I also feel that it has been a necessary experience for me to get what I need from my particular journey. That said, I think I may be at a turning point. Last night, without cause, I slept long and hard and all the way into 10 am this morning. As I slept, I was aware that part of my brain would wake up and think it needed to wake me up, but something kept preventing that from happening, almost forcing me to stay asleep against my will, in a way.
I had an interesting dream while I was sleeping. It seemed I had accepted a job and was at my workplace, where our desks were situated near a river. I got the impression that my relationship with my coworkers was comfortable. It seemed like we were having a disagreement about something, but we remained congenial even behind our furrowed brows. It was ok to feel frustrated and to express disagreement. Nobody asked “Why are you so frustrated?” Nobody said “Calm down”.
I left my workplace by the river and was driving home when I dropped a photo. I think it was of a man with a baby or something. A police officer stopped me to tell me that the photo wasn’t exactly what I thought it was. He didn’t seem like a normal police officer and in the dream, I had the sense that he was masquerading as such but was there to serve as a guide to me. He told me that I can do something different now. He said that it is time to shift my focus. Not because what I have been focusing on recently has been wrong or bad or stupid, but because I have already completed this part of my experience and I have all the information from it that I need to move on to the next part. “It’s time to focus on something new”, he said “You’re free to go.”
A thing that has been bothering me recently is that I have not felt like dancing or doing any moving meditation. If you know me, you are probably shocked reading that statement. You might even be thinking that had you know it was that bad, you would have come to my aid. But not to worry, though it has certainly been uncomfortable for me, stillness is sometimes necessary, and I may not have been able to experience it without some measure of force from that which is bigger than me.
But today, for the first time in quite a while, I have been having a strong urge, just like I always have, to move and stretch my body. I don’t fully understand why that urge seemed to have left me for so long, or why it is back today, and I’m not sure what it was that seemed to have forced me to sleep to dream last night, but all of this is surely a notable part of my current experience. There will be time for deeper understanding later. For now, time to get a good long stretch in.
It would seem like I was taking risks, but in truth I’ve never done anything I didn’t know I be successful doing. This has been a time of doing things I know are going to fail. I feel much more well-traveled now. Up until I went out on a limb, everything had kinda just come to me. Sure, my early years, being robbed of any sense of normalcy by being literally abandoned were really fucking hard. They were. But after that, as I had often predicted, everything I did worked out alright. I had different expectations then too, so it might be unfair to compare then and now. But I’m going to do that right now anyway, fair or not.
I definitely can be pretty readily taken advantage of, and I’m sure people have enjoyed that. I would never stand for such a thing before. Before what exactly ? Well…that’s for another time. It’s not gullibility, it’s that I probably didn’t notice, but when my gut tells me, I hear it, I’m still not sure so I dip a toe in, and perhaps someone gets something from me that they wanted without me knowing or otherwise. When I realize it, in any case, I can understand HOW or WHY … the taker’s motivation. I understand that I too may behave similarly if under the same pressure, regardless of how much my ego wants to deny that, and think itself separate and better.
After 18, everything worked out swimmingly. Sure I was married and divorced by 24, but that was perfect for me. Sure, my mother could have taken a few parenting classes and I could have gone home, but she didn’t. Even more perfect for my experience on this planet! That’s how I have chosen to feel about most things, good or bad. That is just perfect for my experience! Now I’ll know even more about what it means to be human! Excellent!
This could be one explanation for why I’m laughing and can’t explain. This sense of gratitude or acceptance comes with a side serving of guilt. Knowing how much easier the pains of life are endured when one covets a deeper understanding above all else, I would feel guilty knowing that not everyone had been blessed with this knowledge, sense, understanding. This guilt would lead to anxiety, and anxiety manifests in some pretty interesting and unexpected ways.
I felt that I couldn’t possibly be blessed without my blessing cursing me. Of course, if I ever told anyone how fortunate I felt for my own gifts, or let on that I felt blessed with any innate talent, some terrible fate would come to pass, and I would be forced to eat my words or prove myself, prove my gratitude, even when faced with my worst fears. I would find myself in the worst of circumstances, under the worst possible conditions which would only cease when I was genuinely grateful for the experience. I would be required to suffer my greatest fear and be genuinely grateful for it if I didn’t just cool it and stop appreciating myself and my gifts so much.
I learned long ago, the easiest way to stay happy is to adjust your expectations. So, yes, I’ll learn to be happy with what I have, even as you take what you need.
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