It would seem like I was taking risks, but in truth I’ve never done anything I didn’t know I be successful doing. Adjusting expectations was unnecessary since they were already pretty low. This has been a time of doing things I know are going to fail. I feel much more well-traveled now.
Past Attitude
Up until I went out on a limb, everything had kinda just come to me. Sure, my early years, being robbed of any sense of normalcy by being literally abandoned were really fucking hard. They were. But after that, as I had often predicted, everything I did worked out alright. I had different expectations then too, so it might be unfair to compare then and now. But I’m going to do that right now anyway, fair or not.
After 18, everything worked out swimmingly. Sure, I was married and divorced by 24, but that was perfect for me. Sure, my mother could have taken a few parenting classes, and I could have gone home, but she didn’t. Even more perfect for my experience on this planet! That’s how I have chosen to feel about most things, good or bad. That is just perfect for my experience! Now I’ll know even more about what it means to be human! Excellent!
Problem with Guilt
This sense of gratitude or acceptance comes with a side serving of guilt. Knowing how much easier the pains of life are endured when one covets a deeper understanding above all else, I would feel guilty knowing that not everyone had been blessed with this knowledge, sense, understanding. This guilt would lead to anxiety, and anxiety manifests in some pretty interesting and unexpected ways.
I felt that I couldn’t possibly be blessed without my blessing cursing me. And if I ever told anyone how fortunate I felt for my own gifts or let on that I felt blessed with any innate talent, some terrible fate would come to pass, and I would be forced to eat my words or prove myself, prove my gratitude, even when faced with my worst fears. I would find myself in the worst of circumstances, under the worst possible conditions which would only cease when I was genuinely grateful for the experience. I’d be punished, forced to suffer my greatest fear and be genuinely grateful for it if I didn’t just cool it and stop appreciating myself and my gifts so much.
The Penance?
I definitely can be pretty readily taken advantage of, and I’m sure people have enjoyed that. I would never stand for such a thing before. Adjusting expectations of others keeps the disappointment and sense of betrayal at bay. It’s not gullibility, it’s that I probably didn’t notice, but when my gut tells me, I hear it, I’m still not sure so I dip a toe in, and perhaps someone gets something from me that they wanted without me knowing or otherwise.
When I realize it, in any case, I can understand HOW or WHY … the taker’s motivation. I understand that I too may behave similarly if under the same pressure. Regardless of how much my ego wants to deny that and think itself separate and better.
The Solution
I learned long ago, adjusting expectations seems to protect me. The easiest way to remain fearless and happy is to adjust your expectations. So, yes, I’ll learn to be happy with what I have, even as you take what you need.
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